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Monday, September 29, 2008
BREEDERS
Monday, September 15, 2008
You Might Be A Herper If
- You have ever found yourself rolling change to buy snakes.
- You have ever taken 3 dozen hatchlings to a friend's house, ordered a pizza, and had a probing party.
- You have ever given a C-section to a mouse who died giving birth because you really needed pinkies.
- You have three freezers in a spare room, but only one has people food in it.
- You have ever excitedly displayed boa semen on your fingers pronouncing "I think he's ready".
- If your wife, upon seeing the aforementioned boa semen replied only with a casual "uhuh, that's nice".
- You have ever had blood stains in your vehicle from rescuing an injured turtle from the highway.
- You can tell the difference between a dead mouse and a dead reptile by smell alone.
- If the FedEx driver needs help getting your mouse order off the truck.
- You've ever choked on frog water while siphoning the tank.
- You've ever restrained an uncooperative female snake so the male could mate with her. (Reptillian date rape --- only did this once haha).
- If, due to a power failure, everyone in the house has stayed home to hold snakes under their shirt for warmth, and nobody considered it an inconvenience.
- You've been unable to bathe for a few days because a large snapping turtle is living in the bath tub
- You fed your 2 year old son's pet cricket to a day gecko as an illustration of the food chain
- You have 20,000 roaches in your house and calling the exterminator is the last thing on your mind
- You have a collection of shed snake skins that's older than your children
- While picking up the next snake during a probing session, you accidentally put the wrong end of the probe in your mouth
- Even after six years of never finding a snake under it, you still refuse to get rid of the piece of tin in the back yard
- You have ever gotten your wife a snake for Mother's Day. (It's been seven years and she still refuses to accept ownership of that boa.)
- You have trained your dogs to stay out of the herp room for their safety rather than the snakes.
- If you've ever had a dog that you trained to catch escaped mice, but it would never offer to harm an escaped snake.
- You daydream about what it would be like if you had a dollar for everytime someone asked if you have ever been bitten.
- Your wife has ever caught you defrosting mice in the toaster oven.
- If, after the event with the toaster oven, your wife merely rolls her eyes because after 13 years of these type things nothing surprises her.
- If your wife always knows when you're sexing the baby carpet pythons from the repeated phrase "Ow, dammit" coming from the herp room.
- Your yard is 25 percent grass and 75 percent weeds because it's good for the tortoises.
- When everyone else is touching up their yard in the spring with grass seed, you're sowing extra clover because you want to be sure to have plenty.
- If you put off mowing your weeds as long as possible to give the dandelions time to go to seed.
...your pet's dinner requuires care and feediing until it is served.
...you go hysterical when pet stores mix incompatible species in cages.
...you put little white crosses on the side of the road when you find DOR herps.
...your home loan and appraisal papers include pictures of your 12 lb. iguana who lives on your fireplace...
...you consider yourself a great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather at the age of 28.
...you own lots of plastic storage boxes, but can't use them because they all have holes cut in them for hide boxes!
...your annual house cleaning is done when an animal escapes!
...you buy shelves for new terrariums and supplies , and you already have 5 in your room.
...when you spend much of your spare time with a tape measure because you just know that you could fit a couple more cages in if you put them in side ways/on their sides/on top of each other... etc.
...the place you just rented is a real dump, but you don't mind it's so damp because there are rough skinned newts everywhere
...you spot your first wild bullfrog, and you drag your husband out to see it so you can share this special moment together. And....you actually have a husband/wife who agrees it's a special moment!
...you kick guests out after they say "What a cute little king snake" while looking into the sand skink's cage.
...you've ever been in a flooring store and found yourself saying, "I really think vinyl is the best substrate for a child's room."
...you mention to your husband that it will soon be time to babyproof your home because your baby will be "big enough to free-roam soon."
...you've ever referred to your pediatrician as your child's vet.
...you've ever referred to the nurse at your obstetrician's office as a vet tech.
...when your obstetrician explained that you needed additional calcium while pregnant, you nodded your head and murmured, "gravidity-induced MBD" under your breath.
...your obstetrician learned to ask what the reptile equivalent of a condition was so she could put things into terms you'd understand.
...your obstetrician explained the reason for needing a Caesarean as "egg dystocia".
...your baby had dry skin and you got misty-eyed at his first shed.
...you name your firstborn after Adam Britton.
...you call Melissa Kaplan from the hospital after giving birth, *and*...Melissa Kaplan's phone number is one of the few numbers you have with you in the hospital after giving birth.
...Melissa doesn't mind the baby not being named after her because, well, it was a 1.0, not 0.1...of course, the mother is just thrilled that it was a 1, period.
...when someone mentions being pregnant, you automatically correct her to "gravid".
...you move the rubber snake out of the aisle at the toy store so it won't get run over...and identify its species while you're doing it.
...you go jogging on a muddy track after a rainstorm and notice lots of earthworms wandering around, and you come back later with a cup.
...you plan a trip to Vegas to meet Tim Rainwater and his world famous albino leopard gecko, Max
...you trade your letter written by George Washington for one written by Raymond Ditmars.
...you have an extra transformer in front of your house
...the people at the screen place, lumber store and glass place know you by your first name
...the biggest problem you face in a day is keeping your humidity high enough
...when neighborhood kids refer to your house as a zoo
...when your kids get kicked out of school for something they brought to show and tell
...when the last thing your daughters boyfriend has to worry about is a gun
...The Discovery Channel wants to send a film crew to your house.
...you comment that the little rodent feet sticking out upside down in your snake's mouth are cute! [MK comment: my favorite is when they slurp in the tail!]
...when part of training new receptionists at work is "When Speedy Delivery comes, make sure you page Sarah right away."
...when you don't understand why the new receptionist would think it's weird that you get a 1000 crickets a week at the office. After all, nobody will guarantee live home delivery!
...when you are spotted by Petco Management, they send customers asking questions about the reptiles to you instead of their employees.
...guests are startled by the presence of turtles soaking in the bath tub when they visit the bathroom.
...you have a nice ficus tree in your living room, but it has a spotlight aimed at it with a chameleon on it.
...instead of board games, your guests often play "catch the cricket" to help you round up the 50 or so crickets that your cat let loose in your bedroom.
...you have an entertainment center in your bedroom, but instead of components, tapes and other entertainment media, there are large tanks of crickets, containers of minerals, extra heating elements, basking lamps, and fixtures for each crammed inside it.
...you have at least 4 different tanks with 4 different sizes of crickets on hand at all times.
...delivery people are afraid to come to your house (the Fed Ex man actually went running when I opened the door with a chameleon on my hand).
...once terrified by crawly bugs of any type, you now pull a wax worm out of a container with your hands, dust it, and hold it up to your chameleon who strikes it out of your hand.
... you find yourself having an emergency Caesarean and you can't find the numbers of the people giving you your baby shower, but you have Melissa Kaplan's numbers.
...every speech given Speech class is about caring for herps.
...all your friends call you Lizard Lady.
...only your closest friends know about the secret snakes in your dorm room.
...you own over $200 worth of Reptile care books.
...your mother has become desensitized to dead mice in the freezer.
...your parents buy you $40 worth of dead mice as a Christmas present.
...your pregnant friend talks about babies and decorating the new kid's room - and you talk about hatchlings and setups.
...your daughter gives you a garter snake for Mother's Day, explaining to her new husband that it's a Mother/Daughter thing, because she had such good memories of our snakes from her childhood.
...you are so used to crickets chirping that they are the only way you are able to sleep at night.
...if your aunt says, "Dear, you've got flour on your nose," and you glance in a mirror and say," oh no, that's cricket duster".
...your idea of fun is going out every weekend to every petstore with some kind of reptile in it.
...you own a hundred tupperware/rubbermaid containers, but can't store any food in them because all the lids have holes in them.
...when someone yells "snake", and you race off after it.
...you get out of your car to chase frogs out of the road.
....people say "oh yeah, your the lady with the snake."
...every kid in the neighborood has brought you a snake, frog, turtle, etc., to be identified.
...when your out-of-state relatives call and their first question is "How are the snakes?"
...when you hear your mum scream "Ah! a mouse!" and a smile lights up your face.
...guests at your house have to wait 10 minutes before they are allowed to sit on your couch.
...you buy rodent food in a 50 pound bag.
...you constantly buy aquarium supplies but own no fish (airstones for humidity, heaters for the incubators).
...your best picture of your wife/girlfriend is with a snake wrapped around her neck.
...you hand a written disclaimer before letting anyone new in your house.
...you hang signs all over your house "Escaped Snake! Please look before you sit!" (I have done that!)
...you buy a new camera so you can take closeups of your new babies that just hatched.
...you buy flourescent lights by the case for your terrariums.
...the electric company asks you why you need a 200 amp service when all your major appliances are gas.
...you have to buy extra bookshelves for all the herp books and magazines you buy.
...your favorite trip is to the herp shows.
...you never have to turn on the heat because the cages provide enough for you, as well as your herps.
...your biggest database on your computer is your herps' logbook.
...you look for sales on sweaterboxes, but your sweaters are all in drawers.
...you buy bleach but never use it in laundry.
...you look over new furniture to decide what could be converted to hold herps.
...you're at the checkout with several huge sheets a melamine and someone asks what your building, you just turn around and smile, then say "bigger cages".
...someone at your door selling magazines and he doesn't have any your interested in.
...you buy cable just for the Discovery channel.
...you tell people snakes make a great pet for skiers, put them in hibernation as you pull out the skis (and vise-versa).
...you have needles in stock and you're not diabetic.
...your medical books are called "Reptile Care".
...someone yells "You have a mouse on your counter!" and you reply "Its not fully defrosted yet..."
...you buy a deep freezer in addition to your refrigerator and you live alone.
...your calenders are this years "Snakes" and "Boas & Pythons".
...you never turn on your room lights because the cages provide enough.
...you buy litter boxes but own no cats (soaking bowls for the boas).
...you have chased away Jehova's Wintnesses with your Python.
...the thought of a burglar in your house makes you giggle.
...you have a legitimate reason to snoop through your roomate's drawers as you look for the latest critter gone AWOL.
....you wonder if it's legal to claim 10 dependents on your income tax return, after all... they're your kids.
....the people at your office know your reptiles by their first names.
....visitors at your house look in your fridge and ask "oh, do you fish?"
....you find yourself telling prospective landlords that you have a small snake and you're talking about your 6-foot boa.
...you arrange the furniture in your apartment or house according to good basking spots. ....the thought of stealing your neighbor's driftwood lawn ornament has crossed your mind.
...you think the creatures in the "Alien" movies are cute.
....you can name, by species, all of the animals in the Yoda scenes in "Star Wars."
....you go to get a "family" portrait done at a studio and they kick you out.
....you find books on parasites intruiging literature.
...you subscribe to your local newspaper just for substrate purposes.
...you carefully step over that snail on the sidewalk while exclaiming, "Oh! Turtle food!"
... you buy another snake to show to kids at Back-to-School night because the one you have has gone from being a snake (18") to being a SNAKE!! (4') in the minds of most people.
...you take your family to Orlando every August for vacation but have never been to Disney, Sea World or Universal studios.
...you go out and buy a mini chopper and you never use it for your meals.
...you notice that your cat has a new approach to entering the living room: "tip-pawing" sideways, in slow motion, and staring at the same damn piece of furniture everytime!
...when people are always asking you about "lumps" and they are not referring to any illnesses.
...when you have a discussion about "pinkies" and you are not talking about your hands.
...you have to explain to passerby's why you are standing in the middle of the road with your recycling bin and a towel.
...when your electric bill is higher than your heating bill.
...when a visitor in your home asks your five-year-old daughter "Do you know what this is, Alexandria?" And your daughter replies "Yes, that is a Lampropeltis mexicana, better known as a Gray-banded Kingsnake."
...when you plant extra veggies in your garden but don't plan on eating them yourself.
...you give containers of meal worms as presents.
...you find you loaned out your heating pad.
...you save those creepy crawlies in a jar instead of smashing 'em.
...you start thinking of ways to farm your snails.
... your mother has never owned an old pillowcase...
... every vehicle you own has a snake bag in it..
... you use the word "shed" a lot and aren't referring to an outbuilding on your property...
... you talk with a lisp due to years of chatting with your snake.
... you carry moisture-mist and spray yourself 3 times a day.
... you stop in a pet stores just to look at the reps and end up buying a fake plant for a buck so you don't look stupid.
... you spent you last dollar on a rep book and you don't get paid for another week.
... you drive a hour to a zoo just to visit the reps and buy a rep shirt to wear tomorrow.
... your freezer contains more dead mice then ice cream.
... you buy 100W bulbs by the case.
... you keep your apartment at a constant 85F, with lights pointed at the couch to make a 95F basking spot.
... you find yourself lurking on sci.bio.entymology to pick up cuisine tips.
... a bug lands near you and you lick your lips.
... you sex fruit flies when you're at a grocery store?
... when a mosiquito bites you, you just let it keep sucking becuse it's an investment your future food supply?
... you have 6, 200 gallon industrial inulated tubs in your back yard...because they were cheep and you need some where to put next season's tadpoles.
... your mom's given up on you finding a good chatholic girl and would be happy with an alcholic divorcee whos 10 years older and has 2 kids.
... you find yourself lurking on sci.bio.entymology to pick up cuisine tips.
... upon seeing the Vanity Fair issue with the picture of Cindy Crawford, naked, with a boa constrictor around her and the first reaction of my herper friends was "Nice looking snake, distinct markings...must be a boa constrictor constrictor...looks like a Surinam."
... you see someone walking their chihuahua or Yorkshire and think...hmm...snake food.
... your friends need to pull out at least three guinea pigs from the fridge to find the salami.
... you go through the store checkout with 18 different fruits and veggies (none of which you plan to eat)?
... your linen closet has about three times as many pillowcases as sheets.
... you don't count your mice when you tell friends what, and how many, animals you own.
... you judge the quality of a garage sale by the potential herp housing units for sale.
... you get extremely frustrated when the narrator on a wildlife show doesn't identify the prey of the secretary bird/kookaburra/roadrunner/mongoose/etc.
... you get regular shipments of thousands of live crickets and your postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box and runs;
... you make your yearly vacation plans around when litters are ready to hatch/be born and everyone you know says "Why ON EARTH do you want to go to ORLANDO in AUGUST every year??"
... losing electrical power at any time of the year is a MAJOR crisis.
... your husband tiptoes in to check on the baby Northern Blue Tongues every night just to "see how cute they are sleeping."
... you watch "Crocodile Dundee", "Raiders of the Lost Arc", etc., etc., and always root for the reptiles instead of the hero.
... you make remarks such as:
"The Devil FRAMED that poor snake, dammit!"
"Disney's portrayal of Kaa was nothing short of libel!"
"What do you mean, hissing him? I LIKED Him!"
"Tighter! Tighter!"
"Dear, next time would you mind running the vegetables through the Molinex?"
"Of course there can't be mice in that drawer. They'd have been eaten by the snake!"
... you get a sunburn and worry that your shed isn't coming off in one piece.
... you've sold your soul to your produce manager in exchange for dandelion greens.
... you sleep on the couch, but have a lovely reptile setup in the bedroom.
... the words "Avon calling!" cause your Nile monitor to salivate. :)
... you've said "Are aquariums all right?" to a prospective landlord and own no fish.
... you have a sign that says "Beware of Lizard" or "Beware of Snake" anywhere on your front door.
... you find yourself saying "AAAARRRG, another little rat got out, get him, get him...doough!"
... a wittty woman says to you "Is that a snake in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" and you reply "Happy to see you? - Ha!"
... you watching Clash of the Titans with your freinds, and after fighting all those nasties, you call the hero a wimp, afraid of a harmless PYTHON.
... Monty Python's quest is for mice on ice, grail optional.
... you are constanlty buying thermomerators but no fish food.
... you constantly bitch that the "FANGS" show gives whatever animal their talking about a really bad name.
... your friends are constantly asking. "What are all those little holes in your fingers?"
... you evaluate potential apartments/townhouses by the location of the electrical sockets, and the how easily the second bedroom can accomodate all of your turtle tanks.
... you evaluate potential apartments/townhouses by whether they have electricity included and a large southfacing balcony or patio for the igs
... you get extremely frustrated when the narrator on a wildlife show doesn't identify the prey of the secretary bird/kookaburra/roadrunner/mongoose/etc.
... you get upset when the Discovery Channel has a 1 hour special on snakes and they don't even identify the species!
... you have 27 bowls marked "dog" or "kitty" and no dogs or cats.
... your favorite movie is "Jurassic Park."
... you ask the local drug store for a No-Pest "fly" Strip in January.
... you get odd, worried looks from the checkout clerk for only buying one small jar of baby food per week [day gecko food].
... you've every microwave cooked a Cup O'noodle and defrosted a mouse at the same time.
... you've every been raided by the DEA even though you don't do drugs (this actually happened to a friend of mine while I was living in Seattle, his electric bill was so high all year that he was suspected to be raising marijuana. The looks in their faces must have been hilariuous when they opened the freezer and triumpantly pulled out foil packages then found out they contained food for Monty!! :)
... you've had more than one tetnus shot in the last 10 years.
... you go to the zoo or pet store to try to find a date (cuts down on those messy scenes when you bring them over for a romantic dinner and you end up in the bedroom and something touches her leg even though you've left the room for a minute and it turns out that iguanas are not her favorite animal.
... you've ever killed small animals while talking to a friend on the phone and your friend is also preparing mousicles.
... your roomates get mad at you for doing the above while they're trying to eat (telling them that you're just trying to help them stick to their diet is not appreciated!! :)
... you thought the anaconda in the Jungle book (the recent movie version) should of been a reticulated python and that they had it move all wrong anyway!!
... you've got in trouble from your girlfirnd for looking at the free kitten adds with a gleam in your eye
... you rarely take trips yet you are at the airport alot
... the Delta Cargo people recognize you on sight
... you've ever told you apartment manager that you'll be able to pay your rent after the eggs hatch
... your wrists are so criss-crossed with scratches that people think you're just really bad at trying to kill yourself
... you tell people on the phone "can't talk now, I've got a lizard on my head."
... your Ig has a higher budget then you.
... your ig has a healthier diet then you.
... your bathtub is really an Ig-toilette.
... you judge one of your best friends day by how by the size of his\her poop.
... your constantly by food that you would never eat.
... you're lulled into a deep sleep by the melodic chirp of crickets, even though you live in a high rise.
... people nervously look at your wrists and begin to hide sharp implements as they try to discern what "life event" you recently experienced.
... you rush to stop your colleagues from looking in your Rolodex; they might note The Mouse Factory or Grubco.
... when a person is described as "a real snake in the grass," you think you'd really enjoy meeting them.
... you begin to think that a plague of locusts might be a good thing: Delicious and convenient.
... your husband is jealous of the iguanas because they eat better than he does.
... you know the nutritional content of bugs.
... you find out who your real friends are because they're the only ones who are willing to ask you how your day was over lunch.
... your husband is jealous of the mealworm colony because it eats better than he does.
... you have to periodically clean the shed iguana scales out of your computer mouse (no, I don't know how he does it).
... redecorating the house means finding a way to squeeze in another aquarium.
... your husband is jealous of the cricket colony because it eats better than he does.
... you don't take vitamins but all your herps do.
... you lie awake at night trying to figure out why your crickets aren't reproducing.
... someone at the emergency vet leans over and asks you if your animal is real.
... you know the calcium-to-phosporus ratios of common vegetables without looking them up.
... you consider collard greens, dandelion greens, parsnips, mustard green, and escarole to be common vegetables.
... you keep insisting to your spouse that the trio of Brazilain rainbow boas you just brought home only cost 45 dollars
... you think finding bugs in your new house is a good thing.
... you have a bag full of pinkies in your freezer next to your chicken breasts.
... every small bookshelf you own has an aquarium on top of it.
... while your husband bags groceries in the check-out line, you constantly yell "Grab some extra paper bags!"
... the date you plan for Friday night is a lecture on monitor lizards.
... the pictures in the shadowboxes on your walls......MOVE.
... yours is the only house on the block were "spray the house" is a "dirty" saying.
... you can't use your drive way because "two tails" babies are over it.
... your wife remarks...."I'm NOT doing the laundry again until you find him!"
... your house is on the robbery list ..to be avoided at all costs!
... your house is the yearly field trip for the neighborhood school.
... you envy your friend who has this same nightmare of poisonous snakes every night.
... you don't mind if there's a fly in your soup - if your room mates can eat flies, then so can you.
... 10,000 warty toads wrestling in a muddy pond is your concept of an ultimate orgy.
... you wake up in the middle of the night feeling wet, cold fingers moving on your throat, and you don't even panic. (A friend of mine once woke up when a Litoria caerulea, which had just escaped from a terrarium, was climbing on his face.)
... your neighbors think you're a prostitute/photographer, because they can see a red light in one of your windows every night.
... you have to explain to the lawncare company that you like dandilions and insects in your yard because they make good treats for the lizards.
... the person you live with is afraid to do any cooking because of those nasty suprises you forget to wrap up in the fridge.
... your girlfriend has ever, while hiking, uttered the phrase, "Look, a baby rattlesnake! How cute!"
... the first words out of the new faculty memeber's mouth is, You know, there's a snake behind you."
... your relatives make elaborate excuses to avoid visiting your new apartment.
... you've ever had to lecture a pet store employee/manager.
... you've ever carried along a pillow case when mountain biking.
... your "baby" doesn't have legs.
.... you worry about what your other pets will do to your new kitten, but you don't own any dogs.
... you've ever had to clean mouse guts off of anything.
... you know that if you don't catch anything with those bait minnows, they won't go to waste.
...all of your roomates have stopped using the microwave to heat up their food.
...your response to friends showing you their new hamsters is, "Nope, too small."
...you tell your snake she's 'sexy' more often than your girlfriend.
...the person behind you at the checkout asks how you prepare the collard greens you're holding and you say that you haven't got the slightest idea.
...and you tell them, "Rinse thoroughly, chop into pieces no larger than the size of your head, and dust lightly with CA and vitamin supplement."
...you find "tongue flicking" an attractive attribute in person's of the opposite sex.
...your first association to "wild type" isn't Brando or James Dean.
...you think bleach is something to disinfect driftwood with.
...the photos of loved ones in your wallet look like an lobby stills from Jurassic Park.
...you join a tanning salon in the winter and you don't get a tan.
...your bedroom looks like an episode of National Geographic - and your bed looks out of place.
...you're prone to making excessive cricket-like clicking noises when you want to get someone's attention.
...one of your friends is upset and you rub their stomach to calm them down.
...you dress up like the Pied Piper and start playing a flute, and it isn't Halloween.
...you have friends over for dinner, and someone notices the vermacelli is moving.
...your best friend has a tail and prefers calcium powder over nutri-sweet.
...the mice in your house have cheese pizza delivered instead of eating out.
...you refer to a pregnant woman as "gravid."
...and if she had twins you want to know if the babies came out with a ratio of 1.1, 0.2 or 2.0 and what are they het for, if anything?
...hetero doesn't mean heterosexual to you.
...when you are looking at houses to buy and you say "What! it has a termite infestation? I'll take it.!!"
...you find the entire restaurant fall silent around you as you and your friends compare notes on the best way to prepare your pet's foods.
.. your local welding/medical gas supplier knows you on a first-name basis- even though you don't own any welding equipment.
.. you separate your mail into 3 piles- bills, junk mail, and this month's price lists.
... you are standing in the pet store checkout line with your purchase in hand, and the person in line behind you says "Oh, they're so cute! Do they make good pets?" and you reply: "These? Hmmm. Actually, I have no idea...I never thought about that..."
...you get out of your car and start directing traffic around a rattlesnake so the wriggly thing can make it across to safety!
...you have been thrown out of at least 3 pet shops this year.
...you know that a boid is not a New York pigeon.
...you get pissed and throw a hissy fit when a family member eats any of your lizards' fruits and veggies.
...hunting under the bed with a flashlight doesn't involve finding that missing sock.
...you're trying (or have managed) to convince your significant other that you need bigger house/apartment so your ig can have his own bedroom.
...you have a sign on your lawn that says "Beware of Anaconda."
... you and your significant other have conversations or express yourselves by verbalizing actions (such as "flicker", "puff", thhhhtt").
...you occassionally find a laundered cricket in the lint screen of your dryer.
... your dates suddenly recall that "thing" they had to do, when you bring over to your house to meet your pals.
...the salesperson at the local pet store asks twice about the # of crickets you need.
...the chirping of the crickets in your house is louder than your T.V.
...your guests constantly trip over your African Spur Thighs in your Living Room.
...you can't walk out of your house without one of your herps coming along for the ride.
...you cock your head when someone calls your name.
...Petco, PetsMart, and other pet stores have your picture on the wall under a sign saying "Do Not Let This Person In!"
...you have photos of your herps but not your family in your wallet.
...you have a recording of crickets chirping to lull you to sleep.
...you put on dark glasses, pick up your guitar and play the Greens.
...you forget that you put crickets in the freezer to slow them down for your lizards and you find them walking around your ice cube trays
...you forget to make new ice and your guests freak out when they find cricket legs on their cubes.
...you buy your wife/girlfriend a dozen white mice.
...you excitedly awaken your wife, who has finally fallen into an exhausted sleep after a bad bout of the flu, by waving a deli cup full of hissing cockroaches in her face, exclaiming, "Look what I got at the herp meeting tonight!!!"
...if you lick your eye for moisture.
...your electricity company asks if you want a professional account.
...Anaconda is your favorite movie
...while watching Anaconda, you were rooting for the snake the whole time
...when walking out of the theatre after watching Anaconda, you hear someone say that a snake couldn't really catch a prey item in real life and you have to lecture them about just how wrong they are.
...your wish list looks more like a reptile surplus's pricelist by the day
...you have a bigger UPS [uninterruptible power supply] on your boa cage than on your computer.
...you have ever had to scrape rat brains off of your wall.
...when you have a 3 bedroom house and you realize you have a herp in each bedroom...
...you buy 2 gallons of bleach every week, but don't wash any clothes with it.
...read an ad in your favorite magazine and at the bottom it reads, monitor not included, and the ad's not about a computer.
...the day before your vacation is the most troublesome part of the year for you.
...subscribe to the local newspaper purely for it's substrate possibilities.
...you charge admission at your house, but kids 12 and under are still free.
...you devote your web space to your snakes.
...all the gifts you ask for now are "alive".
And tThen there's my friend, Glenn Dalton, who said, "I can't be a herper - I still have an electrical outlet left!"
...you really hope when you go to college in a couple years, your roomate agrees having a couple, a few, or even a half dozen snakes would be educational.
...you're late leaving work, you have to be out again by seven, your spouse is calling you every 10 minutes to ask how long you'll be and you've only just made it to the supermarket/grocery store. You rush past all the great offers, ignore cute babies and blank friends, saying you have to dash because the world will end if you don't get home in the next 15 minutes. But......when you get to the store where you buy your lizard her bugs, you somehow seem to have a whole hour spare to spend cooing over the cute hatchlings and chatting to the owner about the cool things your lizard has done in the last week.
...this type of thing happens at your house: Last night I was watching the movie The Prince of Egypt (the animated version of The Ten Commandments) with my five year old daughter. There is a scene which shows the Egyptian army throwing the Jewish babies to the crocodiles in the Nile river. My daughter sees this and says "Oh, no! That's awful! Poor crocodiles...they are throwing the people at them!!!"
...you have poop samples in your handbag (for parasite check at the vet) more often than you have make-up in it.
...you've ever stopped by the road at midnight to pick up some lovely stones for your enclosures.
...you've ever been out after midnight with a saw, to get new branches for your lizard (the tree was already cut down, and lying beside the road).
...your colleagues stop at your desk and say "Wait a minute, have you bought two more lizards?" when they see your bakground image ...and you reply "Yes! And I've got eggs in the incubator!" and give them a happy smile.
...your friends never ask "your place or mine?" - they know that they have to come to you because you have to feed your lizards.
...all your best friends have bought 200 crickets or mealworms for you some time, even though they haven't any lizards themselves and are scared of bugs.
...you tell your lizard that he's handsome and very masculine, more often than your boyfriend.
...you know all your animals birth(hatching)day but aren't quite as sure about your relatives' birthdays.
...you use the money your grandparents gave you for a birthday present to buy lizard food.
...you slept on a naked pillow last night becuase you needed another sanke bag quick
...when a dinner guest goes to the freezer for more ice you intercept him and send him back to the table before you open the door
...you collaborate with a seven year old friend on a parody of the "SpongeBob Square Pants" theme in honor of your ornate horned FrogBob. "Yellow, absorbent and hungry is he"
... the job interview was cancelled when the secretary announced you had arrived "with this 4 foot long 'thing' on his shoulder"
...you've noticed a lot less solicitors coming to your door after hanging a sign on it reading " Please watch your step: free running reptiles throughout this house"
...examining your iguanas poop to ensure no parasites exist, but not bothering to discipline him for doing it on your $1500.00 couch.
...you get mad at the gift shop for not having 'Merry Christmas' cards with iguanas on it.
..your perfect date invelves you, your BD and a bag of crickets.
...someone tells you their balls have mites - and you know what they mean!
...when you walk into a petstore to buy crickets and the first thing the employees say is, "How many?"
...you go to get some dinner and it is "Chirp and Squeak" from the pet store.
...your girlfriend says that you need a new monitor and you don't go to the computer store.
...your favorite movie is still Hisssss
...you have Hisss and Hersss towels
...you get cracked aquariums free from garage sales, friends' garages, etc. and don't have to worry that they are not watertight
...your 13 year old son wakes you up to tell you that he caught your lizard and you have to ask him which one
...you know which of the pet stores in your area are open late and which ones "don't sell feeders" (Not kidding!!! they sell live crickets and goldfish for feeders, but not mice!)
...your web cam shot of your Northern Alligator Lizard is also your desktop background
...your girlfriend tells you that your monitor is getting a little blurry and you tell her not to worry because he will be shedding soon
...you are currently typing this under the watchful eye of your baby ball python "Sweety Py" as she peeks from your shirt (nice and warm and the v-neck provides the right amount of purchase for the chin to hook on and pull up the rest of the python)
...you take your girlfriend out for "Chirp and Squeak" more often than "Surf and Turf" (that's crickets and mice for those of you who are not truly addicted to herps yet).
...when you finally do get to the Human Restaurant, you bring home the kale for your tortoise.
...your friends and family call you Ani-mommy.
...you can't use any of the water bottles in your house because they belong to the reptiles.
... you have to go out and buy one of those $79 minifridges just so your parents (or spouse, or significant other) will let you keep mealworms (in bulk) instead of crickets for your herps.
...your wife has cold feet in bed because you gave her heating pad to the snake...and she understands!
...you describe a 16' retic in a foul mood as "a little nippy".
...your parents kick you out but you're only 11.
...your mom isn't surprised to find a plated lizard lounging on your blinds (that happens to me alot).
...you kill 100 mongoose a year to help out Cobras.
...you said," Can't talk Mom,got an Anaconda to feed."
...you actully protest to Catholic Churches about the view on snakes.
...you hear the squeaking of newborn rats and run to tell your snakes lunch is ready
...you cant sleep at night because you are wondering where that pregnant rat that ecaped the breeding colony is
...your children say things like "awwww! that's a really cute piece of food!"
...the school your children attend has banned you from Pet Week
...your kids play "snake and rat" instead of "cops and robbers"
...your ig gets offended when you pay attention to or feed your human children without checking with HIM first!
...you keep your bedroom door shut and locked so your "kids" can't get in and raid thier tanks of treats
...you spend your last three dollars on kale when you needed milk
...most of your friends perfer you come to thier house to visit
...you have warning signs posted during rut season
...when all your houseplants have bites missing out of the leaves
...when you fear for the life of your daughter's pet guinia pigs
...you try to convince your spouse that Mr. Cal King just got bigger, changed pattern, and changed colors and you just named it Anny the Anaconda
...when it's cheaper to breed your own food supply
...you block traffic for miles trying to coax a snake from the middle of the road.
...you point out to your friend that her imitation "snake-skin" shirt is inaccurate because it has Western Diamond-back rattler dorsal scale pattern with boa constrictor belly scales.
...you get up in the morning and feed your green baby before your human kids. After all, they already know how to pour milk in their cereal..!
...you were the only person in the theatre going, "awwww....." when the baby godzillas were hatching (in the American movie).
....you complain to your patient friends that everyone should not have been calling the Godzilla in the American film "he" because all parthenogenic herps are essentially females...
...if your sweetie tells you that he sees the dressed-up herp "dinosaurs" in those prehistoric-themed films in a whole different light now...(started with that ig in One Million Years B,C.)
...you are charged with babysitting hamsters and ask "where's the heat lamp?"
...you are flattered by your adult male iguanas "advances" when in breeding season.
...you have more pictures of your iguana than your husband on your desk atwork.
...you comment on how long your relatives' kids have gotten.
...you wake at regular intervals throughout the night to check the stats on your new set up.
...your dad says, "You'd love me more if I were a tadpole," and you try not to laugh and don't reply.
...after dinner the whole family sits down to read excerpts from Melissa's thesis.
...you see a fake plant in the doctors office and instantly calculate the dimensions and how many day geckos it would hold - and you buy the plant from the secretary.
...your friends feel obligated to say hello to your snakes whenever they come to visit.
...you send "you might be a herper" contributions with a corn snake on your face because you don't want to disturb him. (typing this with right hand, left one pinned down)
....the corn snake is now stuck in your hair, and
...the corn snake now decides to crawl in your ear.
...you have ever been pulled over while road running and given a sobriety test.
...instead of your fingers getting bitten while feeding, your nose does (very painful, use a shield).
...you keep all of your clothes on the floor of your bedroom because both your chest of drawers and your walk in closent have been converted to vivariums.
...your one year olds response to a dog barking at her is to lay down on her belly and hiss at it.
...your mother-in-law gets you fuzzy lizard slippers for Christmas and exclaims "The are the ugliest things I ever saw, I just knew you'd love them!"
...you have to chase your pet's dinner all over the house because it does not except its place in the food chain (a mouse escaped).
...your response to your friend's mouse problem is to bring over live traps and a cage.
...when the cross word puzzle asks for another word for field mouse and you reply "snake food" (it did not fit).
...your favorite fiction book is RAPTOR RED (written from the velociraptor's point of view).
...you buy gallons of bottled water for her, but fill your own glass at the tap
... you hear that hissing sound and run to the kitchen to see if someone's using the pressure pot... OH, no!... that was just the atrox wanting to have the neighboor's cat for dinner.
...you go to the pet shop and ask the boy to pick you about ten small crickets, about other ten medium sized and another ten huge ones.
...you visit the pet shop and get ticked off at that description label that says "common frog" instead of Hyla eximia.
...you don't go on a second date with someone if you discover they don't like reptiles.
... you cried when they killed the Anaconda in the movie...
...you watch The Lord of the Rings repeatedly and try classifying the Balrog...
...and of course you wish the rattlesnakes kill all the stupid humans in that early 90's movie about rattlesnakes.
...you watch an Animal Planet show and you know those snakes did not belong in the wild because you could see the missing scale on their nose tip from continous bumping against the terrarium glass.
...you have to face an angry crowd calling you black magic witch at the local chicken market after asking for eggs that contained embrios... what!? You just needed food for your precious Heloderma (this really happened!).
...If you spent a lot of time on the "herp shui" of your reptile room (ig up high, monitor down low, bookcases built into the wall, bookcase built under sunny window for ig perch) but your monitor doesn't want to use the "poop station" you set up for him.
...your family website has more photos of your geckos than of your family.
... you let a 4-foot boa climb up your pony tail and then down your face as you read the "you might be a herper if..." pages. (Yes, Eva is slithering down my nose while my baby boa da Vinci is chilling in my lap! ;)
…after your iguana "uses the bathroom," you make sure to wipe her off properly so she does not smell like a baby with a dirty diaper.
...you think of the movie Anaconda as a comedy.
...you're looking at whole house backup power, just for your burm.
...your squeamish friends scream when they open up the refrigerator.
…there is more on you floor then just carpet (escaped crickets).
…your cat gets fat off of gut-loaded escaped crickets.
…all the horizontal space in the house is taken up with enclosures.
…all the neighborhood kids come to you to identify herps for them.
… you can no longer buy live herp food from pet stores because you need to buy in bulk.
…the zoo calls you up to ask for some info on various herps and you know the answers.
…you know all the scientific and common names of all the herps in the area.
…your mom just smiles and nods when you talk about cage setups and various herps.
…your friends know you as the "lizard lady" or "bug lady".
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